To the idiots who claim that there should be caps on bottles: be a little critical

1. No more hotel rooms that are hotter than hell

Mother of God above, why is every hotel room in the country hotter than Hugh Jackman in a sauna?

You can’t open the windows, it’s stuffy and you wake up with a face like a dried-out prune.

It can’t be energy efficient, it has to cost a fortune. I’m telling you now, hoteliers, cool it with the heat.

I do have an idea of ​​what a dream hotel for Irish menopausal mothers would look like, but that’s a story for another time.

2. Difficult vouchers

I forgot to activate my Lidl vouchers the other day and I didn’t realise until I got home. I had to sit down and practice my circular breathing.

I felt a mixture of sadness and self-loathing that was out of proportion to the events.

I paid 49 cents too much for a tub of lean ground beef and missed out on the 30% off select Red Hen products, but I still felt incredibly destitute.

If you forget your Tesco Clubcard you might as well set up a self-flagellation stall at the till. The cashier takes a quick breath and your bill is now 250% more expensive and it’s your own fault for not having your fob, idiot.

And now Dunnes’s are out of date, wtf, Dunnes? I literally have a heart attack that day. I wake up as Kevin McAllister’s mother on the plane.

I HAVE TO BE AT THE NEW SMALL OLD DUNNES BEFORE CLOSING TIME!!!!!

It has raised my anxiety several levels. At least with SuperValu you get a new one every week.

At Dunnes I get all nervous and mutter to myself, ‘I can’t afford to throw away tens of every fifty euros’.

But what about the 40 I saved by not going there in the first place? Is the sunk cost fallacy real?

3. Sizeist sizes

I’m tired of not fitting into clothes.

This is clearly a ploy by Big Fabric to make me doubt my daily Hobnob habit.

I hereby demand that all clothing manufacturers stop with the 10, 12, 14, 16 crap (a 14 in one store is a 10 in another anyway, I’m looking at you, Zara) and just put up random pictures of flowers or bees or, I don’t know, I haven’t thought about this yet, but every woman I know can pick up a piece of clothing and know immediately whether or not it fits.

Same goes for bras. Either all measurements mean the same thing, or just forget about it and we’ll manage by sight. Or maybe by fruit – grapes to watermelons.

4. People who resemble their pets

Hilarious, but also repulsive.

There’s a man who walks his Schnauzer through the park and they both have the exact same moustache and crazy eyebrows. His wife was there last week and she could give the Lorax a run for his money.

There’s a little wiry old guy who has the exact same gatch as his Jack Russell. It’s gas.

The reason I am against it is because I have a classy looking lurcher yoke. He is many things but his main physical attributes are that he is lean and fast.

I’m fat and only fast when a voucher deadline is approaching. I ruin the whole aesthetic of the dog park.

So I either buy a watermelon breast bulldog or I find a new park. I don’t feel like doing either.

I do believe in accepting your mistakes, that’s why I give that loser hugs every day, even though he’s the bane of my life.

5. Eejits complaining about the caps on bottles

In a bold move to reduce plastic waste, the EU has introduced a directive on single-use plastics. This means that the caps are now on bottles and cannot be removed completely. This ensures that both types of plastic are recycled.

Judging by the reactions on social media, you’d swear people are being forced to swallow the bottle cap before they can get their delicious drink. They’re livid!

“I scratched my face!” typed one idiot. “I got water on my chin,” whined another.

A guy posted on Reddit that he downed his drink with the bottle cap in the way, forcing him to change his clothes. Oh, the humanity!

Take a little time to defend yourself, stop angrily pulling the cap off your milk and get over yourself.

If necessary, wear safety glasses when making tea.

What we should actually be angry about is the fact that disposable plastic is still being produced at all.

That is certainly a topic for another column.